state of things

Death White
my check for the training is supposedly 'in the mail.' i'm supposed to call if it hasn't come within a week.

the entire check won't even pay off half of our new christmas credit card debt.

i was going to put my parents' christmas gift to us on the debt we owe them for the new car, but called my dad today and asked him to give us half of it in cash instead, so i can pay more down on this credit card debt. We can't afford to carry a balance on our credit cards. hopefully the other half, plus what we've been paying and will pay until the tax refund gets here, added to our tax refund, will pay my parents off for the car.


at the end of the training, the lady who set up the training informed everyone that she submitted the training to the people who approve trainings and such for CEUs (continuing education units), but that she hadn't heard back yet. the psychologists there were concerned that even if it was approved for social work CEUs that it may not be approved for psychology ones. They asked me what my credentials are (in case the board approving CEUs asked for that information), so I told them. I was a bit embarrassed to let them know that I only had a BA. I don't need CEUs because I don't have any credentials requiring them, unlike everyone there. sigh. ah well.

I was asked how they could become a trainer of trainers for the program like I am. I told them. I am slightly worried that the organization might try sending someone to become a certified TOT like me, and then I won't have any extra income opportunities anymore (because right now I'm the only TOT in the state, and therefore the only option for anyone who wants to be trained in this program here - since this organization will soon be the only ones in the area offering the program, they will be the only possibilities for me to make additional income for training, unless they get their own TOT).

I was planning on raising my training fee in the future, but, as I told them, to be a TOT only cost $300, but that does not include airfare to wherever in the country that they are offering a TOT training (which doesn't tend to be very nearby, I went to Michigan), or lodging, or food, and that organization is pretty tight with money, so there's a good chance they'd rather pay me my low low rate of $550 rather than send someone off to be trained (they'd have to pay their salary or hourly rate during that training, too). I don't want to raise my rate to the point that sending someone off to get TOT certified would look like an attractive option to them.

That agency also tends to have high turnover, so chances are good they'll need another training within the next couple years. I'd like to continue to be the only option for that in the state.

this agency that i did the training for is rather stupid. the state always preaches against duplication of services. NO DUPLICATION OF SERVICES has sort of become a motto among most government agencies, in an effort toward efficiency with the budget crisis most government agencies are facing. this agency is largely government funded. they have heard NO DUPLICATION OF SERVICES countless times, I'm sure. Tonda (my ex-boss) has even told the manager of the local office that if they were to offer the program it would be a duplication of services. but, what does she do? she sent two of her people in the local office to my training. they plan on offering this program instead of supporting the prevention center's effort to offer the program in our community. they could have just referred families to the prevention center's program, instead of having people trained to offer their own. dumb.


today i was craving beer and cherry pie, but not at the same time.


i'm feeling very fat and discouraged with my weight loss today. i weighed in almost 1.5 lbs heavier this week than last. i want soda bread, and pies, and doughnuts and i don't want to get up early in the cold to exercise.


my in-laws will be here in a week and my house is a mess and I've had a headache every day for the past week or so. i don't feel like doing anything with a headache.

things my mother didn't have to worry about

Death White
my mom never had to worry about any of her children committing suicide. sure, i was suicidal from time to time, but she was blissfully ignorant about this, for one thing, and for another i put reasons in place why it couldn't be an option for me - reasons that worked most of the time.

i was her only kid who suffered from depression.

i'm silently terrified for mimi and lizzy. both have tried to kills themselves - lizzy once, and mimi twice - and neither of them are in what i'd call a secure situation, in that their happiness and mental stability right now is hinged on their relationships with their boyfriends. sure, lizzy doesn't seem as wrapped up in devin as mimi is in jay, but she really is - neither of them have much of a social life outside their boyfriends. neither of them have a good, close girlfriend, or any reliable friends. without their boyfriends they would seem isolated and alone.

it's just not safe. and it's scary.

lizzy was considering moving to lexington and living with her sister and going to UK next fall. her plan is to come home on devin's days off and/or the weekends. that's a lot of driving. lexington is a longer drive than louisville. however, she would be commuting daily to louisville, so i guess the mileage is a wash? still, i'm not sure UK is the best choice for her. she doesn't enjoy living with her sister - she never has - she can be a neat freak (sometimes) and meredith is always a slob. furthermore, both girls can be disrespectful of each other's things. they are always fighting about who took whose clothes or flat iron, or whatever. they hate each other when they live with each other.

i think lizzy would be happier living at home with her brother, whom she adores, and commuting to louisville.

lizzy doesn't seem to like UK already, and i think she knows she would not be happy there, but doesn't want her sister to be alone, because she knows how suicidal she can get.

i'd love for lizzy to be there to watch over mimi, but at the expense of what's best for her? is it worth it if lizzy is miserable? and her relationship with devin would probably fall apart if she's not living in town anymore. then where does that leave lizzy? she'll be miserable living with mimi and depressed over the loss of that relationship, and lonely.

and lizzy isn't responsible for her sister's life - mimi is. it won't be lizzy's fault if mimi does something stupid.

time to put the toddler to bed.

half way there

Death White
i had the first day of my training today. tomorrow is the last day, and i should finish up early (i usually do).

these things are incredibly stressful to me. it's not easy to explain, sometimes, or easy for other people to understand. i'm the expert here - i have no reason to feel intimidated, they say. but this is their profession, not mine. they are more studied in their profession, more proficient in the terminology, the jargon. i've been out of this field for years now. i feel like a fraud, in a way.

but it's more than that. this whole thing is just against my nature. i'm play acting every time i do this, and it's draining. i rather like being a paper pusher who sits behind a desk all day - it's more in line with my personality type, and much less draining, albeit much less challenging, too.

it's not like this is hard stuff. i was just thinking at lunch today, it is a rather easy way to make $500.00 (after my expenses).

but i was on my feet all day. i'm not used to that, and it's tiring. i had to talk most of the day, and my throat kept getting dry, which didn't used to happen when I did this more often. I've never been one of those people who had to keep getting sips of water during my programs or trainings, but today i was.

this training got off to a terrible start. they told me what address, in town, that i was to conduct the training, and i showed up at that address, but the door was locked and no one would answer the door.

today was rainy. the rain had let up enough to get my cardboard boxes full of program/training materials out of my car, so i went ahead and unloaded everything to the covered front door area, since i had 15 mins. before the training was to begin to get all my materials and equipment set up. I was feeling rushed and short on time.

finally a lady came to the door but she knew nothing about the training and assured me it would not be in the clinic, and was probably meant to be in the building in the rear. i had to load all that stuff back into my car, and now it was raining pretty steadily. so i carried a box to my car and ran back to get the next one and so on. then i had to move my car to another parking lot and unload everything again. needless to say, i was wet and out of breath.

i told the person who set up the training that i needed to be able to hook my laptop up to a TV and they needed to provide a flip chart on an easel and a dvd player attached to a TV. They were also to bring all their program materials to use for the training (their manuals and DVDs). they did not bring their dvds - fortunately, i borrowed tonda's set (the city's prevention center set), to have as a backup. they had no flip chart for me to use, and offered a dry erase board instead. i told them i could get by with the dry erase board for training purposes, but that the program required two flip charts on easels for implementation, and explained how they would need to tear off pages to use at different sessions, etc.

they assumed i could use my laptop as a DVD player. had this been the case, i wouldn't have requested a DVD player, right? My laptop doesn't have the codec installed to play DVDs. I tried. I didn't know for sure it wouldn't play them, but it couldn't. when i asked my husband about it later, he confirmed that it wasn't anything i failed to do, but that my laptop doesn't have the required codec to play a DVD. he can fix that, but not before this training is over.

fortunately, they had a DVD player there, they just thought it wouldn't work. I told them we had to try, because half of the training/program is video viewing. It worked, but the remote for it did not - the batteries were dead. There were two other remotes there, and one of them had AAA batteries in it, that fortunately weren't dead.

once all the logistical/technical difficulties were behind me, though, the training went well. i rushed through it a bit, but i wasn't so fast that they weren't following - they got it. i was feeling pretty good about it by the end of the day, and am hopeful for the training tomorrow.

i typically do trainings on a thur. and a friday (that's when I suggest they are held). it's nice to finish up early and get a jump start on my weekend. it's going to be a bit weird finishing up a training and not having a weekend off to look forward to. i have to go back to work on wednesday.


Death White
This link was tweeted today by kerridwyn. The more people who hear this message, and get it, the better.

I'm outraged by his supporters.


Death White
It's really disgusting when people who are verbally and physically abusive talk about love as if they know what it is and what it means.

Love is not name calling and yelling. Love is not hurting and hitting.

Love is not using someone for companionship, attention, or sex.

Love is caring for someone's physical, emotional, and spiritual needs - not the high from having a good time, or a nice chat. (Of course you may have a good time and a nice chat with someone you love.)

How can a father say he loves his children when he spends money on phones, tickets, alcohol, other drugs, or whatever, instead of sending it to help feed, shelter, and care for his child(ren)? Isn't putting food on their table and a roof over their head his responsibility too? What does that say about the love he has for them when other things that he wants to buy are a higher priority for him than that?

Love does not lie, deceive, and hurt and then refusing to do whatever you can to rebuild the trust that's lost from that. Trust is an important component of love. Once that is damaged, it needs to be mended and rebuilt. How is that to happen without sacrifice and effort?

Love is not selfish. And you are.

Babysitting vs. Parenting

Death White
per Merriam-Webster:

One entry found.

Main Entry: ba·by·sit
Pronunciation: \ˈbā-bē-ˌsit\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): ba·by·sat \-ˌsat\ ; ba·by·sit·ting
Etymology: back-formation from babysitter
Date: 1947

intransitive verb: to care for children usually during a short absence of the parents ; broadly : to give care babysit for a neighbor's pets

transitive verb: to babysit for ; broadly : mind, tend babysit house plants; police babysitting a witness

2 entries found.

1. parenting
2. parent (verb)

Main Entry: 2. parent
Function: verb
Date: 1663

transitive verb: to be or act as the parent of : originate, produce
intransitive verb : to be or act as a parent


Main Entry: par·ent·ing
Pronunciation: \ˈper-ən-tiŋ\
Function: noun
Date: 1958

1 : the raising of a child by its parents 2 : the act or process of becoming a parent 3 : the taking care of someone in the manner of a parent

Let's get this straight, shall we?

Babysitting is something you do for someone ELSE'S children. Parenting is what you call it when you're watching/caring for YOUR OWN CHILD(REN).


Death White
my head hurts. we're leaving for choir now.

i'm over my calorie goal for the day and i only have two episodes of lost left to treadmill to.

gotta run. my head really really really hurts.


Death White
Every reason you give is an excuse to do what you want and try to make it sound reasonable or okay. It's not reasonable. It's not okay. It's not right. NO 'REASON' or EXCUSE can justify this.

I hope that one day you will look back on this and realize your mistake. I hope you will want her friendship again and I hope she'll tell you where to go. You don't deserve a friend like her.

You are to blame for this mess. You. You want to blame her, but it's you. Think about it. What did YOU do? What did you DO? WHAT did you do?

What did she do, really? Really? And who is in control of your happiness? Who should have done something about that long ago? And you have the gall to keep lashing out at her--you who have inflicted so much pain. It makes no difference if you wanted to hurt her or not. You continue to do it anyway. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER--YOU HURT HER AND HER (and her and her and her) JUST THE SAME? Obviously your other wants were higher priorities than your want to avoid hurting someone. Still, you hold up your lowest priority so that you can look noble somehow?

Such a hypocrite to speak against discrimination while discriminating in your own heart. How can you look at yourself without laughing? You are laughable. You pathetic, cruel fool.

Yes, I'm angry. Wouldn't you be were it your friend in her situation? Don't I have a right to my own emotions--to express them? Doesn't she?

Go on, tell yourself some more lies so that you can look yourself in the mirror and not cringe with disgust. The lies may work on you, not us.

On Vox: QotD: My Holiday Wishlist

Death White

What's on your holiday wishlist?

Originally posted on

On Vox: QotD: Also Known As

Death White

What other names did your parents consider for you?

If I was born a boy I would have been named Charles and called Chuck. Glad I dodged that bullet. :D

I don't know what other girl names were considered.

Originally posted on

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